From ‘You’ve Got Mail’ to ‘You’ve Got Meh’

Instagram Faces, Cookie-Cutter Plots, and How Today's Rom-Coms Mirror Our Lack of Vulnerability

It's often said that each generation romanticizes the prime years of their predecessors, seeing them as a golden era. As a millennial, I, of course, have a very romanticized perception of what the ‘80s and ‘90s looked like.

My view is not one of the AIDS crisis, unrealistic beauty standards, or the war on drugs.

My view is manifested in the form of the one and only Rom-Com Queen - Meg Ryan.

To me, her movies are akin to a cosy day; a form of homeliness, made up of small quiet spaces, quirky humor, earnest interactions, and raw emotions. From When Harry Met Sally, to Kate and Leopold, each of her movies carries a level of humanity that makes it hard not to relate to the characters, no matter how far-fetched the premise (though, a girl can dream about a time-traveling royal bachelor).

Unfortunately, today’s rom-coms lack this level of intimacy. Entire love affairs seem exaggerated, forced and artificial, leaving many of us wanting in terms of genuineness.

Contemporary tales of ‘love’ seem to default to outlandish scenarios, in order to compensate for the lack of authenticity we could once experience. Add the ‘Instagram Face’ phenomenon into the mix, paired with bad acting, and you’re left with a level of repetition that would make even the biggest romantics nod off.

I will admit, there are several post-2000 rom-coms that wrangled a giggle out of me (you gotta love How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, after all), but my overall opinion is this:

The more recent the release date, the less relatable the movie is.

“You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you"

Although these movies are now considered old (I still refuse to accept that 30 years ago isn’t the '70s), I was curious as to why they felt more real to me than contemporary rom-coms. I then quickly realized the appeal lies in not the plot setting per se, but in how the relationships are portrayed and developed.

These movies needed very little in terms of plot devices to grow a relationship between protagonists. Take Moonstruck (ok, not a Meg Ryan movie, but bear with me) - the only plot device used is to introduce the characters. No forced proximity beyond initial contact, no competitiveness, no miscommunication, dramatic separation, or any other overplayed trope.

They simply meet and grow to love each other. Fin.

Even when plot devices and tropes are used, they often feel secondary to the chemistry we clearly see between characters. French Kiss is another classic, and yes, there are plot devices, but the chemistry seen at the beginning and at the end are one and the same.

A personal favorite, 10 Things I Hate About You (yes, another non-Meg Ryan movie) is also an example of this. When the declaration of love finally comes, we see a confession resembling real life. Soon after, their union comes as nothing dramatic, but shown as simple and sweet relief in having their feelings reciprocated.

None of it feels fabricated or dramatized to invoke angst in us, which I can’t necessarily say is the case in contemporary rom-coms.

The modern counterparts seem to be identical to one another, to a cookie-cutter degree. Premises for the plot are often unrealistic, character development weak, paired with exaggerated facial expressions (or lack thereof - thank you botox), overly dramatic performances containing reactions disproportionate to the situation, and dialogue that is often so on the nose that it leaves little room for the imagination.

While, I imagine, this is to make the experience of watching said movies as palatable as possible, it feels like watching a crappy knock-off of a Shakespearean era play, with dramatic cues given for us to be able to anticipate how the story will play out. All human behavior is turned into a caricature of itself, leaving us with the feeling of almost being mocked for expecting real feelings (or good acting, for that matter).

It simply removes the humanness of the entire experience - none of it feels real. Why do we find these stories acceptable now? What makes them popular enough that Hollywood continues to manufacture them?

“We’re talking about dream dates compared to my horror”

As is with all media, contemporary movies tend to reflect the real world, which is probably why we see so many sh*tty rom-coms. Today, vulnerability has long been cast aside in exchange for ‘situationships’, hook-ups and rosters, while romance has been dead since before Trump’s first mandate.

So, could it be that contemporary rom-coms lack the intimacy seen in Meg Ryan movies, simply because that intimacy is almost non-existent today?

Most of us are aware of the current loneliness epidemic plaguing our generation, as well as the increasing number of people choosing to remain single as opposed to dating. Why is this? Well, perhaps it’s because the dating pool has begun to resemble a dive bar when the lights come on: the smell of desperation seeping into your skin, your shoes sticking to the alcohol-slicked floor, and the rude awakening to the horrors surrounding you.

“People between 30-44 years of age were the loneliest group — 29% of people in this age range said they were “frequently” or “always” lonely”

Washing off the grime of the dating swamp gets tiring and, after the first 50 failed dates, our pessimism slowly begins to fester. We choose to recoil into ourselves, so as to avoid the potentiality of continuous disappointment and hurt.

This bleak outlook on dating isn’t only brought about by the dating failures though; what it truly stems from is a perverted understanding of what vulnerability is.

I’ve heard of and participated in a myriad of conversations that were officially labeled as intimate or vulnerable, but were, in fact, broadway productions starring manipulation and evasion.

The weaponization of sharing our inner worlds, under the guise of intimacy, has resulted in people devising carefully curated alibis for their shittiness and/or twisting privately shared details to fit narratives coated in malice. What we end up with is a disheartened feeling, held by those of us with no ill intent.

In a world where this happens to even the ‘most fortunate’ of us (exhibit A: Depp v. Heard), why would anyone choose to believe in intimacy and be open to vulnerability? Trying to convince us of a Meg Ryan romance seems more delusional than a Rabbi leaving his religion for love. You might as well give us sensationalism at the expense of real intimacy, because, well, we’ll sooner believe it.

“I think the younger generation is fed up and a bit skeptical about dating apps, swiping, getting likes, and being treated as a commodity,” - McNeill Love

All the while, romance in the dating world continues to be neglected (and oftentimes ridiculed) - meet-cutes are a thing of the past, and have been replaced with stranger-danger, intimacy is substituted with transactional dynamics, and vulnerability invokes the same level of discomfort as having to chop off one’s own pinky.

So, how can we come back from this disappointment and repair our relationship with vulnerability, before we lose it entirely?

“I’ll have what she’s having”

Most of us have retreated from the dating swamp and chosen to spend our nights at home, cuddling up with our pets, eating our favorite food, and watching a good show. This may seem like a dream, but the unfortunate truth is that we’re letting our social skills atrophy.

If we ultimately concede to this death of seduction and continue down the path we’re going, we’re choosing to close ourselves off to one of the most beautiful experiences we can have in this lifetime - love.

So, where’s the balance? Where’s the middle in these two extremes, and how can we take a lesson from the vintage rom-coms and apply them to our own lives?

Perhaps our salvation can be found in movies that are on the cusp between the then and the now, like My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Toula begins the movie closed off from the world, existing as opposed to living, but once she starts bravely stepping outside of her comfort zone and towards taking her place in the world, she finds a love that is truly for her. She never compromises who she is, but rather integrates all facets of her being, and love finds her, sprouts and tenderly blooms.

As we see with Toula, being terrified of the world and all that could potentially hurt you only results in you living a groundhog day kind of life. On the other hand, actively searching for it can turn into a carrot on a stick dynamic, where it’s always out of reach, and leaves you crestfallen.

To balance hope and fear we can only do one thing: Remain true to ourselves, and leave room for love to surprise us. Vulnerability will seep in by itself, while staying authentic allows for discernment, leaving us with the beginnings of a (potentially) beautiful love.

So, don’t seek out the Emily in Paris kind of love - a grand plot twist or an over-the-top trope does not intimacy make. Instead, seek the You’ve Got Mail kind. It’s in these romances that you’ll often find love blooming in the unassuming conversations, the shared smiles, and the willingness to show up—flaws and all.

Leave the door open for magic to happen, and when it does show itself, dare to be vulnerable, and believe in the power of authentic connection.

After all, you never know when your very own rom-com moment might unfold.